


Erwin, I'll be joining you soon

by bipabrena



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: He has suffered a lot for Erwin Kenny Isabel Furlan and Kuchel, Levi thinks about how important Erwin was to him, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 09:33:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15927683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bipabrena/pseuds/bipabrena
Summary: Much time after learning the truth of the world, Levi goes back to the ocean that started it all and reminisces about his life and those who have been important to him.(Important manga spoilers if you haven't read chapter 84)





	Erwin, I'll be joining you soon

Levi took off his shoes and leaned to pull his pants up to his knees. He took a step forward and delicately placed his foot on the sand, measuring its temperature—just to make sure it was safe enough to walk on.

Pleased with the temperature, he stepped down into the sand and walked on his bare feet through the line of trees. He stuck his hands in his pockets, and took a deep breath, as deep as he could, to feel every bit of fresh air that screamed freedom. His eyes gradually closed, and he inwardly smiled at how good life felt at that moment.

He continued walking, feeling his hair bounce with every step, occasionally flying back thanks to the cool breeze. He looked down the shore left and right, and in both directions all he could take in was powdery sand, with white waves washing up every now and then for miles and miles ahead. Multiple shades of blue he would have never imagined possible if he hadn’t seen them himself danced out in the sea, and even the sky seemed to mimic it, blending the same colours. It almost seemed like a mirage.

And Levi thought. He thought, and thought. He thought about how life has been. How tough, how scary. How fickle. Years back, in a period of three months, he lost his handpicked squad, the man who raised him—whom he always resented for abandoning him but ultimately held fondness for, the first man who gave him strength to continue living after losing his mother, and, finally, the man who gave him purpose. A sense of direction. Something to strive and fight for.

Levi’s dull, slanted eyes, brimming with dark circles underneath, glanced at the sky, and then he turned his head to see behind him.

No, he wasn’t there walking with him.

No, he wasn’t crouching, grabbing handfuls of sand and slowly rubbing them away with his fingers.

He wasn’t there, observing the freedom he fought so hard for spreading before his eyes.

He wasn’t there to look back at Levi with a gentle smile, while small wrinkles formed on the corner of his blue eyes, and as thin strands of blond hair messily fell down his forehead.

Levi continued observing behind him, slowly and dully blinking, as though something would magically appear before him. Anything. A silhouette resembling the person he once knew, a hallucination, anything… so long as it were him.

But nothing happened.

His hair continued dancing due to the gusting wind, and he repeatedly curled his toes on the sand. He let out a soft sigh in resignation, finally accepting nothing would happen.

He walked closer to the shore, and involuntarily jolted when feeling the cold salt water wet his feet. His lips curved into the faintest smile, still in disbelief something like this could exist.

He took a couple of steps back so that when the waves hit he wouldn’t get wet, and sat down, knees brought to his chest. He rested both arms on them, and he leaned forward to rest his chin on his arms.

He intently observed the sea.

That day, the day he lost something great, but gained something even greater, he had made a promise to himself.

The day he vowed to follow Erwin for as long as he lived, he had promised himself he would never regret his decision, or any, for that matter. He vowed to himself he’d never regret anything, no matter the outcome.

But as his eyes narrowed sadly, he couldn’t help it.

Levi exhaled shakily.

When things weren’t hectic, when he wasn’t killing Titans and gaining more territory for humanity, when he wasn’t thinking about the enemies who despised them that lay across the sea—when he was alone like this, that’s when he realised how sad and lonely he truly was.

He had lost everyone who, at some point, had meant everything to him.

And he had cried for all of them.

For his mother, for Kenny and for Isabel and Furlan.

Every time he found a new reason to live, life took that reason away from him. When he lost his mother, his world, he was a lost boy who had no one. But when Kenny took him in, he had found the strength to continue living. Sure, he was a jerk, but Kenny taught him everything he needed to survive. Levi would always look for his approval, and nothing gave him more happiness than when he’d flip his knives correctly and Kenny would offer him an acknowledging nod. So, the day he took down his first man with ease, and he looked at Kenny for approval and instead found his figure slowly shrinking every second, getting farther away from him, he had felt confused.

And when he looked around everywhere, asking questions at the bars Kenny frequented, and found no signs of him day after day, Levi had felt lost again. He would grudgingly and angrily sit in a corner of their shitty excuse of a house (which was still nicer and cleaner than most in the Underground), glaring at the couch Kenny would usually sit on.

One day, he got tired of glaring at it day after day, and pounced on it as he screamed ferally, eyes widened like a wild animal, and stabbed it over and over again, the white fabric inside flying everywhere, imagining it was Kenny.

When he finally ran out of breath due to his screaming, he deeply inhaled and the dam within him burst. He cried, and cried, and cried, endlessly stabbing the couch, until he completely ripped it apart.

After crying himself dry, he stood up and sighed. That’s when he realised he was alone, and it’s something he’d have to deal with for the rest of his life. From then on, he despised Kenny, and overlooked the fact he taught him how to survive and had been the only light in his life since Kuchel (even though he was, as child Levi called him, “a jerk”). He only associated the word Kenny with “abandonment,” so he refused to acknowledge him, even though there were moments here and there where he wondered what he was up to and how he was doing.

It was him against the universe. Period.

And then they came.

Furlan, the guy that set Levi up against three of his strongest thugs just to see if he was worth recruiting, and Isabel, the girl who had risked her life just for a bird’s freedom.

It was curious to Levi how he had met the best people he’d ever known in the shittiest place in the world. How’s that for irony?

His dreams entailed these two and the promise of freedom, but it was that very dream what caused him to lose the most important thing in his life.

He had found happiness, and life snatched it away from him.

In that moment, he thought that was really it—he’d never find anything worth living for again, he’d never find anything worth crying for, anything worth fighting for.

And then he came.

The man he was supposed to kill and momentarily despised with every fibre in his being.

Erwin would never replace Isabel and Furlan, and he would **_never_** be a better person than they were, but he had something the others did not.

Not Kuchel. Not Kenny. Not even Isabel and Furlan.

Erwin awoke in him the purpose to strive towards a greater goal, the goal of fighting for humanity, of fighting for those like Furlan and Isabel that dreamed of seeing the outside world, of fighting for those like little Levi that sat in a room starving as he looked at his decaying mother, of those like little Levi that sat in corners hurting from abandonment.

For those that were too weak to fight for themselves, to save themselves.

The moment Erwin stopped his blade with his bare hand, and looked at him with that fierce determination, his words resonated within him, and he felt an absurd amount of strength surge through his body, an absurd amount of overwhelming emotion.

Even though he never really recovered from their deaths, Levi didn’t feel like crying again. He had felt renewed, reborn.

And every time the gates opened as Erwin shouted for everyone to “ _advance_ ,” as he observed his blond hair dance while he rode his white stallion, emotion overcame Levi’s heart, and after an undiscernible amount of time he one day came to the realisation that what he felt for the man was beyond loyalty and buried admiration. It was utter and complete devotion.

He had felt betrayed when he found out Erwin was never doing anything for the sake of humanity, but for his own selfish desires and childhood dream, but at the same time, he was glad. Glad, because it made Erwin more human.

And because the barrier between Commander and Lieutenant had been fully breached, and he then knew not Erwin the Commander, but Erwin the man.

And he loved Erwin the man.

Despite sending hundreds of men and women to their deaths, he never looked back, he never regretted any decision because every outcome, good or bad, was still a step forward towards the truth.

And now they knew the truth.

But Erwin wasn’t there to see it.

Levi always felt his heart shrink when he acknowledged this, when he acknowledged that the moment Erwin had been waiting for his entire life never came for him.

He felt guilty, and these were the moments, like this very moment as he grimly observed the sea, where he finally regretted his decisions.

He regretted sending Erwin to that suicidal charge. He regretted not taking the chance to undo that mistake by giving the serum to Arlert.  Despite humanity’s advances, Levi mourned, he mourned because he felt useless, because he felt Erwin died for nothing.

He had made a promise, and he didn’t fulfil it. The Beast Titan was still lurking across the sea, alive and well, all because Levi hadn’t been good enough to kill him then and there.

It hadn’t been his fault the Cart Titan interfered, but he still felt it was. He wanted to savour the moment, he wanted to boast how the Beast couldn’t transform again as he healed—he wanted to inflict psychological terror to make the bastard suffer as much as he could.

And, in doing so, he broke his promise, and couldn’t finish him off.

He couldn’t incidentally avenge Mike, and he couldn’t fulfil his promise to Erwin.

Levi sighed, tucking his head between his knees. He observed the sand sadly, not finding any comfort in the serene sound of the waves.

He should be here. He should be seeing this. He should be sitting next to him, or rather, Levi should be sitting next to him, observing the sea together. He should be ranting like he always did, like back in the days in his office, while Levi made snarky remarks and tch’d at him.

Had Erwin been there the moment they learned the truth of the world, had his dream come true, how would he be now? Would he be more human? What new objective would he set his sights to? Could there have been any chance of him seeing Levi as something more than his trustworthy friend and Lieutenant?

Could there have been a chance he’d reciprocate the undying devotion Levi felt towards him?

Could there have been a chance that Levi would be able to freely look at him with that gleam in his eye without having to hide it when they were alone?

He’d never have the answer to that, and it hurt.

He’ll never forget the sinking in his heart, the nausea in his stomach when he went back and saw his bones on that rooftop. The pain he felt when he buried him himself, and how he realised crying had become so foreign to him the moment he saw droplets of water hit the dirt and he felt puzzlement. He had been confused at what the things wetting his cheeks were, and finally understood when he put a hand over his horrified expression, feeling the tears stream. There was no whimpering, only blurriness in his vision and stubborn tears that wouldn’t stop brimming.

After suffering so much, after Kuchel, Kenny, Furlan, Isabel and now Erwin, he can’t feel anymore. The only thing that drives him is his goal of killing, no, annihilating the Beast Titan. After that, he’ll feel his mission in life will be complete. He’ll be at ease. Perhaps he’ll smile, too.

But for the time being, he’ll continue having the stone cold, hardened expression that only hides what’s underneath—that hides how he’s always crying inside.

Levi stood up, and walked closer towards the ocean. He crouched and stuck his hand inside the salty water, looking at his reflection. He imagined that Erwin’s faint silhouette was looking back at him, and smiled peacefully.

_“Erwin… just a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer, and I’ll join you in that hellish place.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this! If you did, I appreciate kudos or a comment, I'm happy to receive any sort of constructive criticism you may have. I love how this turned out, so I hope you do, too.
> 
> I've been meaning to write an Eruri work for some time now, I really love the ship. In fact, it was the first one I had when I started watching SNK! Even now that I'm up to date with the manga and Erwin's been dead for a while, it's my second favourite. 
> 
> Canonically, this takes place shortly before the SC team up with Zeke, hence why I only deem him as "Beast Titan." I also wanted to expand a little on Kenny, because I like to headcanon him as being important to Levi despite everything that happens on the Insurrection arc, and Levi suffering for him after being abandoned. 
> 
> Levi is, after all, an emotional character despite appearing emotionless. He's kinder than anyone, and values life more than anyone. I used to hate him because he's overrated as hell and his abrasive personality annoyed me, but after watching his OVAs and, subsequently, reading the mangas ("No Regrets") and looking at little details like giving a soldier the only thing he has left to remember Petra just to comfort him, I started liking him.
> 
> I actually came up with this fic after finishing a drawing of Levi on the beach, which you can see on my Tumblr here: http://bipabrena.tumblr.com/


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